flygirl1982_01

So it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, wrote a note, or journal entry whatever you want to call it. So I figured I would go ahead and do one. I really need to keep up with these things because they are helpful with getting things off your chest and letting people know what’s been going on with you. Which there has been a lot going on with me in the past two years which many of you already know about. But I’ll give you a little rundown for those of you that don’t know.

I moved back to Arizona from Virginia in August to come home and help take care of my mom who was battling Stage Four Melanoma Cancer. If you don’t know what Melanoma Cancer is, it’s skin cancer. I was working for a company for about eight months and quite my job to help take better care of my mom because the cancer was getting worse. Sadly to say but my mom passed away on January 1, 2009 at 3:35a.m. What a New Year right? I also joined the Arizona Army National Guard back in October 2008. I’ll be leaving for training in May. I got to keep my E-5 so I am a SGT and I got the job I wanted. I am going to be an MP, so it’s a lot different than what I was doing in the Air Force. I’m in the 856^th Military Police Company. Right now I enlisted for 1 year and 3 months. I may need to extend my enlistment before I go to MP School. I do plan on once this enlistment is up to go back on Active Duty. I would have gone back on Active Duty a lot earlier but I ended up moving to Virginia after I went there to visit a friend. I made a lot of friends living there and was attending a great church. Maybe the Army will station me there when I go back on Active Duty. But I’m really hoping to go to Ft Polk, LA so I can live in my house. I would like to go back to Alaska though.

Right now I’m currently looking for a new job and praying that the Lord will bring the correct job my way. If it’s the job that the Lord wants me to have I will get it regardless of going to training in May. I have a phone interview with Bank of America tomorrow keep me in your prayers that this is the job that God wants me to have.

I started attending an awesome church with one or my really good friends out here and I absolutely enjoy it. I went to my very first Daughters of Destiny Bible study today and enjoyed it a lot. We are looking at making a change in our lives. Basically what is it in our lives that we need to change that will help us grow in Christ? I think the thing I’m going to change is to get rid of the grief that I have. I want to be happy again. I want to smile and be full of joy again. I’m going to pray as much as I have and give my grief to God. This month we are praying grace over ourselves and asking the Holy Spirit to teach us grace. 

As for the love life there is nothing new there. Right now I’m really not looking for anyone at all. I’m talking and getting to know people and seeing what may come of it. I am praying that God will eventually bring the right man into my life eventually. It’s like my friend says right now forgetting love for now and doin’ me. When the right one comes and God wants me to be with him it will happen. I hope to one day to be a Proverbs 31 wife. If you don’t know what that is open your bible to Proverbs 31 and read Proverbs 31:10 -31. Yeah I know that may sound weird or funny to some of you but I just wanted to put that in there since it was on my mind.

Well I’m going to head to bed. I’ll try harder to keep up on these things and let you all know how things with me are going. Night all and I’ll try to do another one tomorrow.

Would you date someone 8 years older than you?

Dated somebody 14 years older than me bad mistake. So I'm stiking with in my age group. The oldest I'll date now is five years older than me. But probably not for a while.

What were you doing at 4am this morning?

Sleeping in my bed, in my room, at my parents' (my)  house

Whats your relationship with the person you last texted?

She is my mom.

What did you do today?

Ran around trying to get one thing done. It was my day off.

What is the last card game you played?

I can't remember

Would you get drunk because it was the cool thing to do?

Nope never again.

What movie do you really want to see right now?

Death Race

Have you kissed someone in the past week?

Nope

Will your next kiss be a mistake?

I hope not.

Where are your siblings?

Travis: Ceader Rapids, IA
Juliana: Liberty, TX
Mark: Priarrie Villiage, KS I think

When's The last time you cried?

Last night. Yes I still cry myself to sleep. Hey I still miss Robert

If you found out you couldn't have kids, would you adopt?

I would cry first.  But yes I would adopt.

Does the last person you held hands with mean a lot to you?

I can't remember when I last held hands with someone.

Do you still talk to the person you last dated?

Yeap

Did the person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?

Nope he didn't even say two words to me when he saw me in June. He just staired at me.

Do you know a secret about your ex and if he/she pisses you off will you tell ?

No

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest/fastest for?

Yeap in my dreams, at his grave, when looking at the moon.

Have you ever made out with someone older than you?

Yeap I'm usually the younger one in the realtionship.

Can your take a bra off with one hand?

LOL yes.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Yes I would.

How long have you been breathing?

25 years, 10 months, and 20 days. Sorry don't know the hours, minutes and seconds. I've been breathing since November 4th, 1982

What's with you and the last person you kissed?

Will him and I are still friends.

Do you want to be in a relationship?

Yes I would like too be in a relationship.  I would like to be in a serious relationship again. I know I'm ready I just don't know if I won't push him away.

Where was the last place you slept besides your bed?

My friends guest room

Do you want kids?

Yeap I would like to have my first one before I'm 30.  I'm praying it'll happen and I won't have another miscarrage.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

Yeap a couple of them

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Yes I do

Did you go out or stay in last night?

Stayed in

When is your next road trip?

June or July

Are you likeing anyone?

Yeap and he knows who he is

Who was the last person to give you a ride somewhere?

Myself

What were your first thoughts this morning?

Errr it's my day off I don't want to get up early.

Are you a jealous person?

Oh yes I am. I think I get jelous to easy

When was the last time you slept on the floor?

Um I'm not sure.

Hurting

Throughout the year’s one has been there no mater what.
Every tear that has fallen he has heard it fall, near or far he knew.
Every pain that has been felt he knew without a doubt.
Even if he could not be there, he was there.
 

When tragedy struck a wall was built up.
Others tried to tear down the wall brick by brick but could not.
Every time a brick was taken another replaced it in the same spot.
The others just gave up and walked away.
He did not.
He tried brick by brick but realized this could not be done.
As he walked away he turned and ran at it.
He took the wall down in one swift motion.
 

He was a breath of fresh air.
He was a breath of life.
He made me smile the way no one has in a long time.
He made realize I could be me again.
 

Though I had to go for reasons we both know.
My heart begged and pleaded for me to stay.
My heart said give it a chance before you go.
I followed my heart and told how I felt.
 

Now I sit here wondering why I’m hurting so much.
Wanting to know why can you not see the pain your causing me.
Wanting the confusion to go away.
Feeling like I’ve been lied to and it is the end.
Wanting to be noticed again.
Wanting the hurting to stop.

Ok so the past 2 days have been going pretty good.  I got the house on the market and the sign will be put out in the yard on Tuesday.  So lets keep our fingures crossed and pray that someone puts an offer on it fast.  That would be the most perfect birthday gift for me to have someone put an offer and a deposit down on the house and for me to get a job.  So I'm praying that one or both of those will happen for me.  Its all in God's hands

Well I'm still sick and I want to get over this cold soon cause I have an interview on the first for another airline.  Wouldn't look good going in there sick I don't think.  The house is almost packed up as well then I have to pack up the shed and shove everything in there so its out of the way when people come and look at the house. Then I can just focus on cleaning the house and keeping it clean and on my job hunt.  It'll be nice to just focus on that and get hired as well so that way where ever I move to I have a job waiting for me.

Well something has been bothering me for awhile now and I'm not sure how to put it.  But I feel like people have started to disassociate me with Robert like we were never together.  I've also started to feel like people are starting to think that I have forgotten him or stoped loving him just because I started to move on with my life.  You see I never stopped loving Robert and I haven't forgotten him.  Shot I still wake up in the middle of the night after a bad dream reaching for him and he isn't there.  I still cry myself to sleep some nights.  I never will stop loving him and I will never forget him.  I shouldn't feel like people think like that or shouldn't have to justify myself to people and explain my actions.  Robert will always be my first love and the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  Even though he is gone he is not forgotten by me he still lives in my memories and in my heart. 

Well today was a little bit of a good day.  I just wanted to say Contgrats to Steven and Elaine Turner on 4 years of merriage and to Diana and Daniel on there Mirrage.

Well I'm going for now I'll blog some more tomorrow.

Ok so I know that the title is kind of intresting and I know I haven't bloged in awhile.  But AHHHHHHHHHHHH is what I've been feeling lately.  I say that because I've been sick lately and I'm tired of having this cold.  Plus I just want my normal life back.  You know the life I had before Robert died.  You know happily married me SSgt USAF.  Loving life, always smileing, full of life, and naturally hyper.  Well thats not me anymore and it sucks.  I feel like the Ashley everyone use to know went to Iraq and didn't come home. I also feel like sometimes the Ashley that everyone knew died with Robert and is already buired right next to him.  I hope that doesn't sound bad but its how I feel right now and will probably always feel until I have a dramatic change in my life.  but no matter how far I am down this road of life  I will always have my days and will never forget the love of my life.

Well the interview with Continential Airlines I thought went ok/good.  But I guess I wasn't what they were looking for because I didn't get invited to a training class which means I didn't get hired.  But I can reaply for the same postion again in a year.  Yeah right like that will really help me out.  So luckly I didn't stop applying for jobs when I got that interview.  I say that because I finished filling out anohter application for another Airlines on Saturday and within 2 hours of me submiting the application I got an e-mail invitieng me to an interview.  So I'm like wooo whoooo go Ashley another interview lets nail this one this time.  So I decided that I'm goin to walk into that interview on the 1st confident and not nervous.  I'm going to answer there questions truthfully and honestly.  I'm not going devolge any information that doesn't need to be devolged and I'm going to nail the job this time.  If I don't then I'll keep trying hey someone's going to want to hire me soon.

Well thats about it for now.  You know what I've been thinking a lot lately and I want to start something.  I know this might sound stupid but I would love to start a foundation/support group for young widows.  Not just young Military Widows but young Widows.  Just so they know that they aren't going through pain and heart ache alone.  But I honestly don't know how to start something like that.  I guess I should do some resarch on the internet. 

Well I'm off to bed.  Talk at you all tomorrow.

Ashley